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Heat Miser
31 October 2006 @ 10:42 pm

I can feel my heart start to overflow
Maybe I can face it but these days i’m not so sure
If I don’t let this go, I will surely break
this love I have is for you
to leave or take

I think it may be close to the time
for me to proclaim this thought out loud
feel I need to say all this that I should let out
for there is no reason to hold on
to something no one wants to have

i cant talk, form a sentence of what i want to say
put it  in this box to bury away

I need to say my goodbyes
because it hurts me keeping this within
I feel it wanting to burst from my heart
to be made known everywhere and all around
but I cant put you thru this again

why is it so hard for me to say?
why cant I let you go when there is no reason to stay?

I need to say goodbye
i’m not wired to take this in
I need to give this up on this wishing
Feel it start to carve a hole in place of
where this heart is still beating

There is nothing more that I would want to show
for  all I want to say is 'I love you so’

Hope wont give me the time of day
and Love wont give me a try
Dreams have only got me wanting more
so all I have left to say is goodbye

But if Wishes were horses, beggars would ride

and im still waiting
...a fool's errand



 

 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: U2-How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
 
 
Heat Miser
30 October 2006 @ 07:00 pm

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said and see what you might see
I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape and walk right out

Freedom has a scent
like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough I'm not giving up
on a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes no sense of space
and time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side,
love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, 
yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, 

a miracle drug
God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
below the din
I hear your voice
...It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
Yeah I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

Miracle Drug - U2

 
 
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: P.J Harvey
 
 
Heat Miser
25 October 2006 @ 08:57 pm
Pure  

i dont know if i can do this



Night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
As daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow that dazzles my eyes

and i love you

Just lying smiling in the dark, shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head, pure and simple everytime
Now you're crying in your sleep, i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

Dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings, not reasons, can make you decide
As leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights

and i love you

Just lying smiling in the dark, shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head, pure and simple everytime
Now you're crying in your sleep, i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes, push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head, pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new, shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune, pure and simple over you

if love's the truth then look no lies, and let me swin around your eyes
i've found a place i'll never leave, shut my mouth and just believe

Love is the truth I relize,
not a stream of pretty lies

to use us up, and waste our time

 
 
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: The Get Away - Pretty Girls Make Graves
 
 
Heat Miser
20 October 2006 @ 04:49 pm
so guess what i did last night.
on the way back from work i stopped into target and bought another copy of Breakfast at Tiffany's  ::sigh::

im such a loser.   ;
i went home and started to unwrap my newest copy when i stopped. i looked thru my collectiona nd found yet another cheerful thing to watch with my cat. Bram Stokers Dracula.  everything but  keanu reeves was great in this pic.
i wish they could digitally erase him from the film and replace with, i dont even really care as long as its not him.

this version as Winona Ryder (pre-shoplifting days) as well as Anthony Hopkins
one of my favorites because i can relate to it. not the whole live-by-night-rest-by-day blood drinking thing ,but on the other levels. 


for most people im guessing that this moviwe is one of those horror films where the good guy, the White Hat, is Johnathan Harker (keanu)and the bad is dracula andf\ that the horror is what dracula inflicts on his victims and onto the world

but the way i see it, is that Dracula is the White Hat, but a victim of circumstance; the whole world is bad, and the real horror is the love, the dispair, the want, need, and  desire that is put upon his shoulders  giving him that false sense of HOPE and to dare to dream. THAT is the price to pay for believing. 

i dont trust in that anymore. i dont prescribe to medication.
i dont want to hope but thats all there seem to be left to hold on to.





i want to tell if 
I am, or am not myself
It's hard to know how far or if at all could go
I've waited far too long for something i forgot was wrong
I don't know all the answers I think that i'll find or have it within the time
But it's all that i'll have in mind
Until i fall away I won't keep you waiting long
Until i fall away I don't know what to do anymore
Until i fall away

My fear pretend that i'll never be in love again
It's real to me but not like these fools
And not like this scene I won't find or have it within the time
If it's all rusted and fade In the spot where we fell where i thought i'd left behind 
It's loose now but we could try
Until i fall away I won't keep you waiting long
Until i fall away I don't know what to do anymore
Until i fall away... 

When there's no good answers and no new questions
Another personal disaster
There's nowhere to go but down...

Until I Fall Away - Gin Blossoms


nothing really matters. its all perception anyway
god i want to go away!!! i want to hide out on an island. i want to go far far awy till noone and nothing can bother or touch me. 
 
 
Current Location: work
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: If God Would Send His Angels - U2
 
 
Heat Miser
19 October 2006 @ 01:51 pm
i am a glutton for punishment, you know? i know it
guess what i did last night, eh. i put Breakfast and Tiffany's on and sat and watched. Thats the movie with George Peppard (before being on the A-Team) and Audrey Hepburn, whom i adore.

and its not that i dont already know that movie by heart, i dont why i did it

i couldve picked a comedy like Friday or something or an action film but no.....

i can seem to fal asleep either. i think its cause i dont want to have any dreams. good or bad
the bads ones will just hurt me more and the good ones, well the good ones are only as good as i stay under. under the sheet over my head and eyes closed. because i know the moment i wake and feel reality creep up on me is the moment i dont want. it would be like living it all again. 
all the thoughts will rush thru my head. like a part 2 to a tv show or movie or the beginning of the new season of some show that ended in a cliffhanger.   ' PREVIOUSLY ON.......'  and then my pathetic life along with all its emotions will fall on my shoulders ...again. i cant take that. carving out a great big hole where my heart once was. 
and what do i fill this hole with? its already filled . there is nothing bitter in me, there only sadness

yeah, i put in the movie and i took it. all that emotion cause i could. im  sure ive got em. the mean reds that is..and then some
god thats so pathetic, i have to wallow in all this i guess. im wired a bit differently

so anyway this moring, i put the cd back in the case and on the way to work i threw it out. well, actulaay i placed it on the road when io stopped for a light. its stupid of my i know, iknow but i dont want to do this again i just need to be on some medication i think. the all natural stuff im taking isnt really cutting it. and i need it, something cause now im just relying on black coffee 


Moon River
wider than a mile
im crossing you in style
...someday

Oh dream maker, 
you heart breaker
Wherever you're going
i'm going your way

two drifters
off to see the world
theres such alot of world
to see
Were after the same
rainbows end
...waiting round the bend
...My huckleberry friend

Moon River, 
...and me

Moon River - Audrey Hepburn



 
 
Current Location: workin
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: Thieves Like Us - New Order
 
 
 
Heat Miser
05 October 2006 @ 07:15 pm

What is it when I’m with you 
and what makes the days away seem so slow?

What is it in the air around? What lingers like a scent, a perfume

to remind me every time you’ve passed me by?

What pulls and tugs at my strings, what makes me lost that i cannot find,
Or form a sentence to express this meaning?

What is it I feel that you tell me I can’t?

And why do I, if you don’t? 
What should I try if you wont?
to explain away what it is?

What is it?

Why? Why do I?

 

I feel alive,

but maybe I’m just living

I feel warm inside,

its probably just the drinking

Feel my heart beating,

but possibly it’s just racing

Feel your hand holding onto mine,

but I maybe falling

Feel you move into my arms,

probably you’re just tripping

Feel your heart and mine beat in time

possibly just me wishing

Feel your lips brush close to mine,

                     but is probably just the wind blowing

Feel like you and I can stay in this dreamtime…
               possibly just sleeping

Feel as though I’m so in love with you

Most likely just reality

 

probably possibly maybe

Why why why..?!!

Why can’t I get you out of my head,

why can’t I learn, why can’t I listen to the things that you’ve said?

when you tell me so time and time again?

 

but this time,
this time ive got it, ive learned my lesson
im not  as dumb as i may seem 
i so wish to just be
because i cant stand when the days go slow
and i cant help but breathe in when i miss you so
and i dont know what to do with these words that pour out of my head
that bit by bit im learning to regret
and i cant find my balance and i cant find myself
and i cant set the days straight and i cant help it
and i will never say these words aloud
and i will never repeat or try to form some meaning of what i am feeliing

maybe i can just explain it all away 
like Agent Scully, i will always have an answer
because its all probably, possibly
but maybe i will see

maybe ill try to just be...

 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: a Rush and a Push and the Land is Ours - The Smiths
 
 
Heat Miser
04 October 2006 @ 01:08 pm

i woke up feeling sick and shitty and all io wanted to do was curl into a ball and go back to sleep under my comforter and sheetsbut as it turns out its a wednsday .
and i thought about it and thought about it and i came up with this this list of things that i dont need because they do me no good and i hate ranting and complainiing and eveetything im doing right now because it seems liks such a waste. i mean i could be sleeping in a sound dream that i know my place in. a dream, a wish

i want things to be like they used to be for me a long time ago, with nothing to get me going on a tangent in the middle of the week

so i get up an i start to remember this dream that i had, not real important in the details but a  part of the reason for this stomachache and event tho i have it i still anm sort of hungry and i jump in the shower and i remember more and i here is the weird part for i feel happy and alive and excited for remembering and the scenes play thru my brain projected on the back of my mind and it feels feels so real that i almost believe it. im still groggy at this time tho and as the water pours over my head it dawns on me that its not the way it is, its not reality. you know like a dream everyones had at one time or another where yove taken that test and failed or raced to catch something that isnt there and it seems real but you wake up and t=for an instan or longer you believe it so and then are relieved that none of it has happenend. 

well this is the opposite and my back crumbles and i huddle on the floor of the shower. it broke me down so much that i dont think i could have spoken even if i had someone there besides my cat to listen to me and then i wnated to stay there under the water biut then i remembered that its wednesday and i have work to do which i then go to
sucks i know and im taking on all work to get my mind off the fact that i hate dreams.
drerams are wishes the miond knows you want be=ut  never comes out of your mouth, wishes. 

when i used to go shoping with my parents as a kid, i waould always want to stop at the toy section of the depatmaent store, always, to see the things i would want but never get. and i would say to my mom, i want this or that always hoping that maybe she'll crack, give in.  but back in the day we werent so well off as we later were and so i went home with nothing. i mean i did get stuff but mostly on birthdays and christmas. but my mom would always say to me a tthose times 'if wishes were horses...beggars would ride'   and even a s a kid i caugfht the drift of the meaning. if wishes were so accessible, we'd all get what we wanted. but the message was, its not that simple. its funny cause that poped intp my head the other day thinking of a title for a mix cd i made.  and that reality is sinking in tooo because songs are wishes, wishes that cant be said. i guess that cd label is apt because it all means nothing. if wishes were horses....that wiould be great but we all know its not possible.  all that does is give each one of us a false sense of hope. no, a real sense of hope inside but it is pointless. it will never happen its all just a wish, a dream. and i dont feel like i want to anymore 

i grew up realizing just that. i knew going to a store or anywhere and asking, begging, and making that big, tall wish  for that one thing, that it wasnt going to happen. i guess i mustve forgotten about that lesson from my mom. its no wonder tho i dont try to think of her anyway. buit now im all grown up, sort of ,and i remember and thats the way it is. im not going to waste my time hanging and waiting and hoping for anything because there is no purpose to it. it only hurts in the end and im tired and im worn out and i cant afford another emergency room  trip. 
so, i so im b not a bad person for wanting this, im not crazy, i know im not baecause its alll clear. i know my place. my place is what i make of it. me.



 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Don't Panic - Coldplay
 
 
Heat Miser
20 September 2006 @ 07:27 pm

 i wish that i had actually written this for someon



The book of love is long and boring

No one can lift the damn thing

It's full of charts and facts and figures

and instructions for dancing

But I

I love it when you read to me

And you

You can read me anything

 

The book of love has music in it

In fact that's where music comes from

Some of it is just transcendental

Some of it is just really dumb

But I

I love it when you sing to me

And you

You can sing me anything

 

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know

But I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

 

And I, I love it when you give me things

And you, you ought to give me wedding rings

 

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings


The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel

 
 
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: How to be Dead - Snow Patrol
 
 
Heat Miser
09 August 2006 @ 04:11 pm

'cause my inside is on the outside and my right side is on the left side....

I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do?
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here, and for the moment the "we" is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes, I discover
that I like her

Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
and I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
but I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
and you should go

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
you'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
something you like 

Would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
and I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
but I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
and you should go

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close to going through that door
But I don't want to be blamed for them
I don't want to be  blamed

Oh, would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
but I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance, and you should go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know


 
 
Current Mood: enviousenvious
Current Music: Cary Brothers - Ride
 
 
Heat Miser
07 August 2006 @ 03:48 pm

heres another stupid song to remind me 
of all the things i wish id left undone
im feeling very dumb and stupid. 
a thought i know will pass but now is when i feel it.
i dont pretend to understand what it all is that im going thru and im sure i sound as crazy as can be.
is it so wrong to want to stay apart from others?
is it wrong to be angry with myself to want? because thats what i am,
im angry with the fact that i want something that i cant have.

you know i used to understand that. 
i used to know my boundries. i knew not to cross them
i knew my place. and i was content
so what ami doing now?

i have to get back to my side of the fence. i dont belong here. 
i cant want things that are not mine to have.
it just hurts too much to go thru this. 
and im fooling myself that this is going to be any differnt than any other time
im now working my way to going numb. i dont want to feel anymore. i do still care, 
but thats not going to help me.

i need to stop feeling, i need to accept this hurt
i need to be content with what my life is. i need to learn to keep my mouth shut, to hold my tongue
i need to go numb.

i need to remember to be content with not wanting anymore
i need to go numb and when it happens im not turning back cause there will be no point
im not doing this again, i need to start thinking about myself more
im not doing this again
i need to go numb





You don't know how you move me
Deconstruct me and consume me
I'm all used up, I'm out of luck
I am starstruck
By something in your eyes that is keeping my hope alive

But i'm sick of myself when i look at you
Something as beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And i'm beginning to think baby you don't know

I'll take or leave the room to breathe
The choice to leave you
I'll throw away
A chance at greatness
Just to make this dream come into play, 
i don't know if i'll find a way

'cause i'm sick of myself when i look at you
Something as beautiful and true
In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And i'm beginning to think baby you don't know
I'm beginning to think baby you don't know


Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet



 
 
Current Mood: numbnumb